Take Courage, Friend

I did it! I am doing it! I will do it!

Yes, I bit the bullet. I registered and paid the fee for the Hamilton Road to Hope FULL Marathon! Wow! I am a little overwhelmed. I had made the decision that I wanted to do it, but then this social isolation thing came a long… Could I? Really? Self-doubt was slowly descending and, with it, the depression that haunts me – teases and whispers from around the corner reminding me that is it always there whether I look it in the eye or not.

It began to get a wee bit louder. My schedule had changed. Oh, I wasn’t home from work as I have been blessed to have an office to go to each day. My evenings, however, were drastically different. I wasn’t out and about running to work out classes and keeping up my regular schedule. The news and changes in our lives started to squeeze the oxygen out of my lungs and I would arrive home to a numbness that began to creep into the workday as well.

As all the work I had done in January and February slowly started to disappear, God whispered to my heart that this is not a time to give up. This is the 18^th kilometre of the race. This is when the pain shoots through my foot and I have a choice to make. Do I stop and exit the run? Do I push through this towards a finish line and savour the taste of victory?

I choose victory. I choose to look back to see where I’ve been, what I’ve gone through. I choose to look forward in anticipation of what God is doing in my life. I choose joy. Depression settles back in his dark corner cowering like Gollum. Stop calling me your precious and stop swallowing so loudly! I don’t want to hear you…

So, I tune it out. I put on my running shoes and meet Jesus at the catwalk for a prayer run. Tuesday was a beautiful day. I realized that I had written a letter to myself that I am to open at the end of the month. Would the goals be met? Would progress be made? Not at this rate. So, back we go – champions don’t cross the finish line the first day they decide to train. My training had already begun. Why am I letting it all go to waste?

I choose to breathe deeply then sit again with Jesus at the breakfast table. I love that he is the God of the every day, and he cares about these details. I love that he caught every prayer of my heart during that run. He breathed new life into my weary mind and soul. I am also so very thankful that he didn’t let me get into my pit too deeply before he shook me out of it. I can’t say I’ll never go back there as that would be a lie. I can say that THIS time was much shorter than other times. I will take the sunshine when it comes!

My girl, Kim, told me to watch Brittany Runs a Marathon for inspiration. I launched my free month of Amazon Prime to access it, and I watched it Wednesday night. It reminded me of where I had been and where I wanted to be. While watching, I grabbed my phone and registered for the Road to Hope. I realize that isolation may still be in play in the fall, but I will run that 42 km on Sunday, November 1^st even if it is through my own city. This will happen – not in my strength alone but in that which Jesus supplies.

I look at my medals again. I see there is a place for a few more. I can’t get a Mudgirl one this year as that event is postponed. This makes me sad. Oh well. November will bring me a medal even if I have to fashion it for myself!

Thursday found me excited to exit my warm bed and run out past the golf course to do some hill training. The sunrise was stunning and reminded me why I actually enjoy seeing 5:00 a.m. on my alarm clock. It will take a few days to get back into the early morning wake up calls again. But I will get back into the swing of it.

In 2019 I had purchased Ryan Hall’s book Run the Mile You’re In. One of his techniques was to find a theme for each of his official races and train with that theme in mind. November’s half marathon was my Redemption Run. As I was praying on that Thursday 10km, God reminded me of what he is teaching me in my everyday life: Courage vs. Cowardice.

You see, having courage doesn’t mean we can’t be afraid. In fact, it means that we move forward in spite of our fears. Being a coward means that I see what I must do, but I shrug my shoulders saying it’s too hard and I give up before I start. (This is not in light of my Gollum. Fighting depression and having days where I sit with him on the couch doesn’t mean I am a coward.) A coward is someone who doesn’t try.

I look at biblical characters who have notoriously be called cowards and I revisit them. Many showed more courage in their pinkie fingers than I will ever have. My favourite right now is Gideon. Puny, young, nothing going for him. God turned his cowardice into courage. He won a mighty battle with the Lord’s hand leading. All of a sudden 42km doesn’t look so hard.

I am a large little woman. I have health issues that demand but don’t like a lot of movement. I have a body that loves sleeping in over waking early. I have Gollum ever present. I am not 24 any more. Is 42km at 42 reasonable? I have every reason to be a coward in this BUT GOD has shown me that I can do this in his strength.

“God will not have his work made manifest by cowards. Always, always, always, always, always do what you are afraid to do. Do the thing you fear and the death of fear is certain.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

This will be my Courageous run. No matter where the Lord takes me in this year of isolation and fear, I move forward holding his hand with courage.

What do you need to do today? Oh, it might not be signing up for a race. It might not be anything huge – perhaps it is simply getting out of bed… Be courageous today, my friend. You’ve got what it takes when you’ve got Jesus.

Changing Direction

Tuesday’s run was rough. The air was so humid I could almost drink it. I had upped my water intake a great deal, but that with sweating meant I actually didn’t have enough salt in my system – an oddity for me for sure! I was heavy and plodding. I still ran but was aching for something different.

I decided that I would run the 5km route on Thursday by going the opposite direction. who knows what a simple change will make? I woke up this morning 15 minutes late, but set a goal to be home before my coffee was finished brewing and I set it to begin in 45 minutes…

I had a great run. The dog that barked at me made me jump, but I sneaked up on her instead of coming towards her. She wasn’t used to that. I met the same lady at the park because that was the half way mark and none of that changed. I saw the other side of certain trees and beautiful lawns. (The dog statues have sunglasses taped to their faces for the summer – fun!)

I knew I would miss the church bells that toll at 7 am, but that would keep me moving as I needed to just run my best and make it home for coffee. However, in the high traffic area when I would have been in a quieter spot hearing the chimes, a gentleman rolled down his window and called out “Keep going, Momma!” When I yelled back my thanks, he gave me a thumbs up and a “Right on!” His encouragement made me smile.

In another frame of mind, I would have been insulted at him calling me “momma”. However, I choose to change my perspective. He wasn’t trying to insult me. I AM a momma – and my body shape proves it! He was simply encouraging me. I choose that smile. My perspective changes everything.

I wondered what other things I needed to rethink. Two of my friends expressed and interest in having me start up a bible study with them. My church’s ladies group runs organized book studies throughout the year and I want to be available for them. Both of my friends are at different places with their understanding of the bible. I felt a pull to host and lead a study geared to them, but what was GOD telling me to do.

I began to pray and ask God what he wanted for me. Is there a better way? Is there a way I can help them without being out another night of the week – away from the teenagers that will need me to be very available as they launch into grades 7 and 9? Just what is GOD telling me?

As I prayed, I asked God to renew my perspective. I asked him to show me what was needed and whether I was actually a part of that or simply someone to point them into the right direction so they can find what they need somewhere else.

As I came out of the park and looked at the uphill climb that the 2nd half of my run contained, I asked God to help me make it up – and realized why I usually went the other direction…

With my mind mulling over the things before me and making room for fresh perspectives, I was soon at the top of the hill and hadn’t even felt it. I also had an idea. I would offer to “host” a study that we did individually while being connected through messenger. We can all move at our own pace and still have our evenings available for family responsibilities.

Wow! I never would have jumped out of the churchy box a few years ago. The Word is not limited to a time and place and schedule and study guide. This is going to be fun. God will meet each of us where we are as individuals. How else should my perspective change? What have I been clinging to that is simply “the way it’s always been” that needs to be turned on its head, rethought, transformed or discarded?

Let’s not leave things in their traditional boxes. Yet, let’s not throw things out simply for the sake of throwing things out. Let’s look anew and remember the instructions from old… These things should impact all of our lives, not just the scheduled blocks of time we plan for them.

I will keep my eyes open to new things as I launch into a longer distance next week. Yay, 8km! I look forward to seeing where my next steps will take me while I learn how to keep running and being open to changing my direction.

Jae being goofy at H’s grad
She’s certainly looking in a different direction!

Tale of Two Times

It was the best of times and it was the worst of times… I ran my first 5km route on Saturday morning since rebooting this running thing. I had been struggling with my mental and spiritual health, so I gave myself enough time to take it slow. I did not push for my stop watch to say anything specific. My goal was to run the entire thing and to finish with a smile.

The fact that I used to be able to run 5km in 30 minutes flitted through my brain and then I threw that thought away. That was then. This is now. My goals and purpose have changed.

I was successful! I ran and was able to recover well because I did not push. I ran the entire thing. I finished. I smiled!

Why in the world was I smiling? Even to a newbie this time is terrible. I was – and still am – smiling because I did it. I was very low and hadn’t kept up my running in week 7 and 8. I ran, but not well. Here I was on the date I was to run my 5km. My depression was yucky and I felt quite heavy. I decided before I went to bed Friday night that I would wake up to do this. I set out my clothes and shoes. I set the alarm. I went to bed early.

I had a choice. I could succumb to my mental health and allow it to be in charge OR I could be faithful to the goals and plans I have made – to take care of myself. I need to be a good steward of this body that God gave me. When I am low and my very real depression is coming at me, I have to give myself a fighting chance… I have to fight back. Friday night, I could not have run 5km. I could hardly move. My depression was causing pain throughout my body. So, my fight came in the form of a plan and preparing to execute it.

When I have friends call me struggling with their own mental health, I cannot counsel them as I am not trained for that. All I can do is share what works for me. Acknowledge this is real. I have to recognize it and remember that I am not weak because of it. I need to turn it over to God – reminding him that it is there and that I can’t handle it alone. Asking him for help is always best!

Then, I need to step back and remember the commitments I’ve made myself. My commitment was to take 8 weeks to get back into running and then launch a training program for a half marathon in November. Was I going to be faithful to that goal or not? So many things run through my mind. Was I valuable enough to commit to? Was I going to show my kids the value of accomplishment? Was this too big for me?

In my overwhelmed and exhausted mind, I knew that I was still worth the fight. I am a human being created in the image of God and worth the effort. I need to teach my precious daughters that they, too, are worth it.

This is why it was the very best of times. I was successful. It’s Monday and the weariness of depression is still hanging around, but it is not as oppressive as it was on Friday. The fog is lifting and I have a plan for recovery. I will be faithful to myself and the dreams God has given. This is the choice I make amidst the mental health struggle. This is what will ultimately lead to success.

Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.
Psalm 37:3

Burned Out

Ryan Hall wrote a book called Run the Mile You’re In. God lead me to this book at just the right moment. I first heard Mr. Hall on the John Tesh/Gib Gerard podcast Intelligence for Your Life (Episode 88 “Run for Your Life”). In his book, Hall expands on the biblical metaphor of running and life.

Each chapter is a mile of life each person has to deal with eventually. Hall uses running anecdotes to illustrate each point. One of the miles that hit home with me was the mile of Comparison. Hall shows how comparison will harm our running and, therefore, life. We compare all the time – to friends, strangers, and even ourselves. Yes, we compare to ourselves.

I was comparing two things to my former self. The comparisons were leading me dangerously into depression. I am a high functioning depressive, so I get even more busy when I am depressed. I fill my to do list with so many things, so I can’t stop to think. Then I crash. My children think it is normal for moms to come home from whatever it was they were doing and have a 3 hour nap. I assure you it is not. (Naps are good, but all things in moderation!)

I wrote out an activities list for my parents to see if they wanted to join us at any of the items. It was late May and I was writing the list to November, so there was no way it was comprehensive. I laughingly spoke of how much there was to do, but it was all “fun” stuff, so we’re good. However, seeing it in print made me realize that I was headed down a not so good path if I were not careful.

June was the relaunch of my running efforts and my comparison to the 30 year old me was concerning. I was trying hard and my mind and heart were ready, but my body was adjusting too slowly for my liking!

Also, my 6 month online dating subscription was ending. I was not going back as very little good came from it. I started to compare myself to a younger me and friends for whom that tool had worked. I felt overlooked. I truly felt invisible. I even mentioned that to friends in passing – I really didn’t intend to put myself down – but they were furious with the lies that were still in my mind and heart.

It was time to take a good look at what I was doing spiritually and emotionally to myself. Oh yah, and maybe I should remember to take my meds… So, I kept running. I am in week 7! I am proud of 41 year old me. I ran for 27 minutes today with no breaks. Not exactly half marathon ready, but my 5km in August is going to be great. I will keep going “forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead…” (Phil 3:13)

Yesterday and this morning there was a breakthrough. After reading Mr. Hall’s mile on learning to be un-offended (Mile 14) by how God answers prayers, I realized I had once again allowed myself to be depressed by the fact that I was trying to tell God what to do and He wasn’t listening! [insert stomped foot here]

He was listening. He never stopped. He has something so good for me I will be overwhelmed by it. I needed to stop getting so offended by the fact that when God works on a need to know basis, He doesn’t always fill me in.

I had replaced my kitchen light bulb just a few days before and it blew – badly. It was completely black inside. It was not a simple filament breaking. There was something more serious going on. I was on a ladder changing the bulb when I saw just how badly it burst, I knew that I needed to get off that ladder and spend some time praying. The evil one wanted to attack.

The girlies and I met in the living room and prayed protection around our home. When I am in a spiritual battle, it manifests in the physical realm in burned out light bulbs and electrical appliances breaking down.

This morning, I headed out for my run and began to pray. I asked God what He wanted me to dwell on in my training and in my relationship – or lack there of… I heard Him say, “Right now, your posture.”

My posture? Oh yah, I was slouching. I adjusted my posture and heard in the back of my head my yogi’s comment “heart open to the sun.” My mental light bulb went on. Of course, my heart needs to be open to the Son… I needed to be a good steward of my body and spirit. This was the need. No comparison. No offense.

As I ran, I asked God, “Ok, so as I wait for you, how will I know it’s time?” The simple answer came, “When he shows up…” So, I run. I live. I stay close to God. I am no longer burned out. I got out of the shower and felt light and airy and at peace.

I will run the mile I’m in…

The Pruture

I am at the stage in my newly launched running where I am truly enjoying the present but looking forward to the future. I have mapped out my official 5km run. I am 2/3 of the way through my 5km training and almost a 1/4 of the way through my half marathon training. I feel good!

I look at my 5km route and want to run it tomorrow. I have challenged myself with some hilly bits and I do think I could do it. However, I choose to go slowly and calmly and wait for my body to catch up to my mind and heart. I am not sure if I will wait the entire 8 weeks – at least 1 more though!

Becky said we should walk it together, but she’s leaving for vacation for two weeks and I might have run it by the time she returns! I told Reneta that we could walk it without her:) She laughed and said she thinks that’s a great idea. I look forward to Becky’s return as her training will be close to resuming at that point. Hopefully, her injury will be behind her. The stories she can tell in her short running career are pretty cool – although and injury is never fun.

She told me that I should tell you about all the wonderful things I’ve experienced since mixing up my route to include a bit of the park. I have come across some amazing things. I particularly enjoy the song of the birds, the croak of the frogs, and the splashing of the ducks.

The human wild life has been an adventure as well. I love the subtle runners nod as we pass each other. The dog walkers’ smiles are pleasant to behold. I could do without the early morning couple and their public displays of their love, but hey, it’s all part of building up one’s story bank!

When I get antsy about the future wishing I were further down the road, I remember that the journey is what makes up the joy of the race. We don’t start at the finish line. I am proud of myself for coming this far. My memories of my abilities and adventures from long ago fuel my desire to get there again. If I waste my time wishing I were back there or pushing to get there before I am ready, I will hurt my journey. I will slow it down and not enjoy it any more.

So, I take a day off to move my kiddos bedrooms around. I take days of active rest and dance with Reneta. Running is PART of my life. If it doesn’t fit properly or becomes my entire focus, it will not last. I choose to run in this stage of the journey – loving every moment – knowing it will pave the way from my present to my future. Tomorrow will become today and I will be that many steps closer to the finish line – which is really just a fresh start line!

Counting Telephone Poles

Tuesday dawned overcast and muggy. I was itching for something a little new. We’d had a long weekend and had been very busy celebrating Canada. The break between runs was too long for my liking, but plans change and fun times are had and I was warming up with no regrets about the weekend. I just wanted something different.

I headed out towards the park rather than the busy traffic area. I was asking God to help me figure it out along the way as running without planning your route can get you in trouble when the park is down hill.

I remember when I summered in Switzerland and they told me that if you go for a hike, start by going up so that the way home is down! Well my little hill certainly wasn’t the foothills of the Alps, but if I was not ready for hill training, running up it would hurt. I wanted to run not injure myself!

It was a lovely run. The creek is a far better companion than commuting cars. As it babbled along, I muttered prayers and thoughts and allowed the weekend to settle into memory storage as I looked forward to the week ahead. The little voice on my app chimed, “You are half way…” I gently turned towards home.

All thoughts of the uphill climb had taken a back seat to my meditations and then it was there, in front of me. It wasn’t actually all that much of an incline – simply a steep but short incline. Here we go!

As I crossed the street and began the run home, I touched the telephone pole beside me. One! Two! (huff puff) Three! (you can do it) Four to Seven were steep incline and Eight I’d level off a bit. Nine! Ten! Did I just finish the hill and not even be bothered by it? I ran all the way to Thirteen before my legs and mind registered that we had climbed the hill. Wow! Such a great trick remembered from long ago training. Nice work and into cool down.

I was proud of me. It was one of those moments that remind me that there are times in life where the obstacle seems so large, and I feel that I’m not ready to face it. A new job… A new church… A kid in high school… Paying off that car loan bill… Through that little hill, God reminded me that one step at a time is all he’s asking for. He doesn’t expect us to finish before we start. All he wants is one step at a time and he will provide the momentum.

My job is to get moving and follow the prompting of the Spirit. He will guide my steps.

Wednesday dawned – beautiful and clear. I took the same route and ran to Sixteen telephone poles. We’ll see what tomorrow holds…

The Benefits of Little Bits

Do not abandon yourself to despair. We are the Easter people and hallelujah is our song.
Pope John Paul II

I have my alarm set for 10:45 a.m. It’s time to Take 5 with Adriene (youtube yogi extraordinaire). Five minutes of stretching mid morning boosts my energy and ability to concentrate on my numbers. Every Monday is “Yoga Day” in my training. I need a longer session to stay flexible for running. The little bits each day boost my ability to benefit from my hour long sessions on Monday. Sound familiar?

We meet at church on Sundays. We have a longer session of dwelling on God and all things spiritual. What do I do to boost that? I need the little bits. I need the personal one on one time with the One who made me, well, ME!

I admit, I need more than 5 minutes, but often in the business of life, I get 5 minutes here and 5 minutes there. As I meditate on my origin and identity, as I look at the world with poet’s eyes and see beyond the surface, I can take one of two roads. I can see the pain and darkness of the state of humankind (or human-unkind) OR I can choose to see the every day miracles around me.

The sun reflecting off the puddle left by night time rain. Walking past a lilac bush and smelling the glorious perfume of nature. Watching a 14 year old go for her morning run – towards the school bus about to pull away – hoping she grabbed her lunch! Receiving the phone message from 11 saying, “Hi! We’re home. Bye!” Click….

Such are the beautiful miracles surrounding me. In this moment, I choose to see the good of the present rather than the pain of the past or the momentous mountains of the future. This is not always easy. I admit that I cannot always say that. Some days I choose to stay in the shadows – pouting, filling with depression and anxiety. On those days, I must set a timer and give the pity party a time limit.

I then need to roll out the spiritual “mat” of gratitude and stretch my heart for a bit. Just as my physical muscles need the long stretch of a full yoga session and the little bits each day by my office desk, so my emotional and spiritual muscles need both a full session in the Word and prayer with my spiritual family and the little bits alone thanking the Miracle Maker.

As I work to move the mountains of depression and anxiety from my life, I start by moving the pebbles of discontentment, disillusionment, and ungratefulness. Soon, I see the mountain doesn’t need to be moved at all – simply scaled until I reach the summit with joy having conquered the climb one little bit at a time…

What are some ways you support the Big Bits of life with the Little Bits?

If you wish to move mountains tomorrow, you must start by lifting stones today.
African Proverb

Relinquished to Renewed

Becky showed me this verse the other day when I was sharing a dream with her. I expressed regret about giving up this dream so many years ago. She simply said, “Read Galatians 5:7.” So, I did. (*see text above*)

Who hindered me? Who hinders me? What keeps me from running the race of a redeemed life? I can conjure up many an answer. I can place blame at others’ feet. Yet, I know the truth. When I choose to turn from God’s best for me and live for my own ends, it is always MY choice. I am the one who hinders myself.

Friend, YOU are the one who hinders yourself too – not your mental health, not the person who hurt you, not your finances or circumstances. You see, those are hurdles and the Coach stands ready to help you get up, keep running, and finish the race no matter how many hurdles you’ve tripped over. Tripping over hurdles isn’t sin. However, our response to them may become sin.

Did I give up? Did I have a pity party and stop trying? I did well in many areas of life and overcame much, but not in my health. In my health journey, I did give up. I relinquished it because it was too large a hurdle amidst everything else I was going through. Here I am far too heavy to have running be kind to my frame. I need to let go of the habits that keep this weight here. I need to be a good steward to the body God gave me for this earthly life.

I am human. Guilt is not permitted here. I cannot turn back the clock and make life turn out the way I had dreamed, but that does not mean I am not allowed to dream again! It is time. Time to dream. Time to act upon those dreams. Time to stop disobeying and begin running well again – in every area.

The entire theme of Galatians (particularly chapter 5) is that when I choose Jesus, I am set free to LIVE! If I wrap myself up in a world of perfectionism – I must be perfect or it’s not worth trying – I am enslaved once again. I need to cut myself some slack and give me the same grace God helps me give others.

This aging frame might not be a light as it used to be, but it can still move. I can still urge myself to run well again. I do not have to get trapped in thinking that because I cannot do what I used to do I might as well not try again.

Today, I choose Jesus. I choose to allow Him to renew me in mind, spirit, AND body! I choose to put one foot in front of the other “forgetting what lies behind and straining froward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 3:1-14)

What are you choosing today? I ask you to think about your journey because I’d hate for you to take as long getting here as I did! Learn from my race and let it impact yours. Are you choosing to run the race God has for you, jumping over the hurdles of depression and anxiety or are you allowing them to trip you up and give you and excuse to walk off the track?

There are times for rest stops along the way, but don’t give up! Don’t relinquish your race to or for anyone. Allow God to renew your mind and coach you along the way. You’ve got this!

“Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.”
Psalm 51:10