BE-ing Me

Whew! The past month has flown by. Launching H into high school and Jae into middle school. We wrapped up the summer house sitting a friends’ farm. So much fun crushed into such a small window of time.

What an amazing look back. I wonder how I could possibly have fit everything in. I was hitting a depressive low and wondering why I was tired. At church on Sunday, a friend hugged me but then didn’t let go of my hands. She simply looked me in the eye and stated, “You are a very busy lady…” Wow! God used that one statement to rock me a bit.

An overly busy schedule is not conducive to excellence. When I am pushing 28 hours of activity into 24 hours, there is zero way to accomplish it. This sets me up for failure and a deeper dive into depression. I have high functioning depression. The worse I am mentally and emotionally the busier I am. Even my cat was getting depressed by not having cuddle time!

I choose to sit down for breakfast the other day and I realized I hadn’t been taking my morning vitamins and medications. My daily container was empty. I reached for the bottles to fill up my weekly and it dawned on me that I hadn’t been taking any of it regularly for over a month. What?! No wonder I was crashing.

My running was still happening, but I wasn’t able to recover well. I must admit the food intake and hydration wasn’t up to helping my recovery either. Life is fragile. To live a healthy life sometimes feels like a tightrope balancing act.

I don’t want to “act” my way through life. I want authenticity and transparency. I want to be lead by still waters and made to lie down in green pastures. I want to run each mile as it comes not fretting about being late for the next mile.

So, I rest. I allow Becky to bring over supper and enjoy a visit with my friend. I choose not to fight with Jae about sleeping in her room. I shorten my runs to let her join me in the mornings. I choose to sit at my computer and take the time to blog again. I choose to acknowledge my depression and be vulnerable enough to release it to my Good Shepherd. I let him deal with it as it is far too much for me to deal with alone. Besides, that his job – not mine!

I choose to enjoy the sunrise again. I choose to not worry about cleaning and join my daughters at the fair tonight. I choose to block time off in my schedule as “busy” even though I have nothing specific to do. This way, I save time for me to simply BE.

Tale of Two Times

It was the best of times and it was the worst of times… I ran my first 5km route on Saturday morning since rebooting this running thing. I had been struggling with my mental and spiritual health, so I gave myself enough time to take it slow. I did not push for my stop watch to say anything specific. My goal was to run the entire thing and to finish with a smile.

The fact that I used to be able to run 5km in 30 minutes flitted through my brain and then I threw that thought away. That was then. This is now. My goals and purpose have changed.

I was successful! I ran and was able to recover well because I did not push. I ran the entire thing. I finished. I smiled!

Why in the world was I smiling? Even to a newbie this time is terrible. I was – and still am – smiling because I did it. I was very low and hadn’t kept up my running in week 7 and 8. I ran, but not well. Here I was on the date I was to run my 5km. My depression was yucky and I felt quite heavy. I decided before I went to bed Friday night that I would wake up to do this. I set out my clothes and shoes. I set the alarm. I went to bed early.

I had a choice. I could succumb to my mental health and allow it to be in charge OR I could be faithful to the goals and plans I have made – to take care of myself. I need to be a good steward of this body that God gave me. When I am low and my very real depression is coming at me, I have to give myself a fighting chance… I have to fight back. Friday night, I could not have run 5km. I could hardly move. My depression was causing pain throughout my body. So, my fight came in the form of a plan and preparing to execute it.

When I have friends call me struggling with their own mental health, I cannot counsel them as I am not trained for that. All I can do is share what works for me. Acknowledge this is real. I have to recognize it and remember that I am not weak because of it. I need to turn it over to God – reminding him that it is there and that I can’t handle it alone. Asking him for help is always best!

Then, I need to step back and remember the commitments I’ve made myself. My commitment was to take 8 weeks to get back into running and then launch a training program for a half marathon in November. Was I going to be faithful to that goal or not? So many things run through my mind. Was I valuable enough to commit to? Was I going to show my kids the value of accomplishment? Was this too big for me?

In my overwhelmed and exhausted mind, I knew that I was still worth the fight. I am a human being created in the image of God and worth the effort. I need to teach my precious daughters that they, too, are worth it.

This is why it was the very best of times. I was successful. It’s Monday and the weariness of depression is still hanging around, but it is not as oppressive as it was on Friday. The fog is lifting and I have a plan for recovery. I will be faithful to myself and the dreams God has given. This is the choice I make amidst the mental health struggle. This is what will ultimately lead to success.

Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.
Psalm 37:3

The Pruture

I am at the stage in my newly launched running where I am truly enjoying the present but looking forward to the future. I have mapped out my official 5km run. I am 2/3 of the way through my 5km training and almost a 1/4 of the way through my half marathon training. I feel good!

I look at my 5km route and want to run it tomorrow. I have challenged myself with some hilly bits and I do think I could do it. However, I choose to go slowly and calmly and wait for my body to catch up to my mind and heart. I am not sure if I will wait the entire 8 weeks – at least 1 more though!

Becky said we should walk it together, but she’s leaving for vacation for two weeks and I might have run it by the time she returns! I told Reneta that we could walk it without her:) She laughed and said she thinks that’s a great idea. I look forward to Becky’s return as her training will be close to resuming at that point. Hopefully, her injury will be behind her. The stories she can tell in her short running career are pretty cool – although and injury is never fun.

She told me that I should tell you about all the wonderful things I’ve experienced since mixing up my route to include a bit of the park. I have come across some amazing things. I particularly enjoy the song of the birds, the croak of the frogs, and the splashing of the ducks.

The human wild life has been an adventure as well. I love the subtle runners nod as we pass each other. The dog walkers’ smiles are pleasant to behold. I could do without the early morning couple and their public displays of their love, but hey, it’s all part of building up one’s story bank!

When I get antsy about the future wishing I were further down the road, I remember that the journey is what makes up the joy of the race. We don’t start at the finish line. I am proud of myself for coming this far. My memories of my abilities and adventures from long ago fuel my desire to get there again. If I waste my time wishing I were back there or pushing to get there before I am ready, I will hurt my journey. I will slow it down and not enjoy it any more.

So, I take a day off to move my kiddos bedrooms around. I take days of active rest and dance with Reneta. Running is PART of my life. If it doesn’t fit properly or becomes my entire focus, it will not last. I choose to run in this stage of the journey – loving every moment – knowing it will pave the way from my present to my future. Tomorrow will become today and I will be that many steps closer to the finish line – which is really just a fresh start line!

Counting Telephone Poles

Tuesday dawned overcast and muggy. I was itching for something a little new. We’d had a long weekend and had been very busy celebrating Canada. The break between runs was too long for my liking, but plans change and fun times are had and I was warming up with no regrets about the weekend. I just wanted something different.

I headed out towards the park rather than the busy traffic area. I was asking God to help me figure it out along the way as running without planning your route can get you in trouble when the park is down hill.

I remember when I summered in Switzerland and they told me that if you go for a hike, start by going up so that the way home is down! Well my little hill certainly wasn’t the foothills of the Alps, but if I was not ready for hill training, running up it would hurt. I wanted to run not injure myself!

It was a lovely run. The creek is a far better companion than commuting cars. As it babbled along, I muttered prayers and thoughts and allowed the weekend to settle into memory storage as I looked forward to the week ahead. The little voice on my app chimed, “You are half way…” I gently turned towards home.

All thoughts of the uphill climb had taken a back seat to my meditations and then it was there, in front of me. It wasn’t actually all that much of an incline – simply a steep but short incline. Here we go!

As I crossed the street and began the run home, I touched the telephone pole beside me. One! Two! (huff puff) Three! (you can do it) Four to Seven were steep incline and Eight I’d level off a bit. Nine! Ten! Did I just finish the hill and not even be bothered by it? I ran all the way to Thirteen before my legs and mind registered that we had climbed the hill. Wow! Such a great trick remembered from long ago training. Nice work and into cool down.

I was proud of me. It was one of those moments that remind me that there are times in life where the obstacle seems so large, and I feel that I’m not ready to face it. A new job… A new church… A kid in high school… Paying off that car loan bill… Through that little hill, God reminded me that one step at a time is all he’s asking for. He doesn’t expect us to finish before we start. All he wants is one step at a time and he will provide the momentum.

My job is to get moving and follow the prompting of the Spirit. He will guide my steps.

Wednesday dawned – beautiful and clear. I took the same route and ran to Sixteen telephone poles. We’ll see what tomorrow holds…