Tag: #depression

BE-ing Me

Whew! The past month has flown by. Launching H into high school and Jae into middle school. We wrapped up the summer house sitting a friends’ farm. So much fun crushed into such a small window of time.

What an amazing look back. I wonder how I could possibly have fit everything in. I was hitting a depressive low and wondering why I was tired. At church on Sunday, a friend hugged me but then didn’t let go of my hands. She simply looked me in the eye and stated, “You are a very busy lady…” Wow! God used that one statement to rock me a bit.

An overly busy schedule is not conducive to excellence. When I am pushing 28 hours of activity into 24 hours, there is zero way to accomplish it. This sets me up for failure and a deeper dive into depression. I have high functioning depression. The worse I am mentally and emotionally the busier I am. Even my cat was getting depressed by not having cuddle time!

I choose to sit down for breakfast the other day and I realized I hadn’t been taking my morning vitamins and medications. My daily container was empty. I reached for the bottles to fill up my weekly and it dawned on me that I hadn’t been taking any of it regularly for over a month. What?! No wonder I was crashing.

My running was still happening, but I wasn’t able to recover well. I must admit the food intake and hydration wasn’t up to helping my recovery either. Life is fragile. To live a healthy life sometimes feels like a tightrope balancing act.

I don’t want to “act” my way through life. I want authenticity and transparency. I want to be lead by still waters and made to lie down in green pastures. I want to run each mile as it comes not fretting about being late for the next mile.

So, I rest. I allow Becky to bring over supper and enjoy a visit with my friend. I choose not to fight with Jae about sleeping in her room. I shorten my runs to let her join me in the mornings. I choose to sit at my computer and take the time to blog again. I choose to acknowledge my depression and be vulnerable enough to release it to my Good Shepherd. I let him deal with it as it is far too much for me to deal with alone. Besides, that his job – not mine!

I choose to enjoy the sunrise again. I choose to not worry about cleaning and join my daughters at the fair tonight. I choose to block time off in my schedule as “busy” even though I have nothing specific to do. This way, I save time for me to simply BE.

Tale of Two Times

It was the best of times and it was the worst of times… I ran my first 5km route on Saturday morning since rebooting this running thing. I had been struggling with my mental and spiritual health, so I gave myself enough time to take it slow. I did not push for my stop watch to say anything specific. My goal was to run the entire thing and to finish with a smile.

The fact that I used to be able to run 5km in 30 minutes flitted through my brain and then I threw that thought away. That was then. This is now. My goals and purpose have changed.

I was successful! I ran and was able to recover well because I did not push. I ran the entire thing. I finished. I smiled!

Why in the world was I smiling? Even to a newbie this time is terrible. I was – and still am – smiling because I did it. I was very low and hadn’t kept up my running in week 7 and 8. I ran, but not well. Here I was on the date I was to run my 5km. My depression was yucky and I felt quite heavy. I decided before I went to bed Friday night that I would wake up to do this. I set out my clothes and shoes. I set the alarm. I went to bed early.

I had a choice. I could succumb to my mental health and allow it to be in charge OR I could be faithful to the goals and plans I have made – to take care of myself. I need to be a good steward of this body that God gave me. When I am low and my very real depression is coming at me, I have to give myself a fighting chance… I have to fight back. Friday night, I could not have run 5km. I could hardly move. My depression was causing pain throughout my body. So, my fight came in the form of a plan and preparing to execute it.

When I have friends call me struggling with their own mental health, I cannot counsel them as I am not trained for that. All I can do is share what works for me. Acknowledge this is real. I have to recognize it and remember that I am not weak because of it. I need to turn it over to God – reminding him that it is there and that I can’t handle it alone. Asking him for help is always best!

Then, I need to step back and remember the commitments I’ve made myself. My commitment was to take 8 weeks to get back into running and then launch a training program for a half marathon in November. Was I going to be faithful to that goal or not? So many things run through my mind. Was I valuable enough to commit to? Was I going to show my kids the value of accomplishment? Was this too big for me?

In my overwhelmed and exhausted mind, I knew that I was still worth the fight. I am a human being created in the image of God and worth the effort. I need to teach my precious daughters that they, too, are worth it.

This is why it was the very best of times. I was successful. It’s Monday and the weariness of depression is still hanging around, but it is not as oppressive as it was on Friday. The fog is lifting and I have a plan for recovery. I will be faithful to myself and the dreams God has given. This is the choice I make amidst the mental health struggle. This is what will ultimately lead to success.

Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.

Psalm 37:3
I did it!